Look Up

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings-

you know who you are…

On a less sentimental note: I am now jobless, about to cram for finals week, and penniless. I also spent 3 days in the “sleeping house,” an overnight with my former officemates in my dream house in Antipolo (hehe), and another overnight at the dormitory extension in VitoCruz.

And next week, I’m off to Tagaytay for a weekend retreat and then to Bacolod for a month and a half.

Want to come with me?

“The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meets.” Friedrich Buechner.

I have lost count of the times I have used this quote in my blog, while writing my QT, scribbled on my bible cover, as a text encouragement for a fellow QLC sufferer, and more. Probably because repetition means emphasis; the more important it is, the more you should reiterate it. Another term for “that place where God calls me” is my sweet spot. It is that special task that I am especially designed for, where I can have the most impact, and where I can most glorify God. 

I got an inkling of that last Saturday, during the IVCF new graduates retreat. IVPM Makati  invited me and a friend last week to do a marketplace orientation for a small group of college seniors. Nothing fancy, just tips on how to write a resume, sell yourself in an interview, and how to determine your career path. We also let the students grill us on our previous experience as recruiters and shared some tips for the job search. It was fun drawing ideas from the students, tactfully correcting misconceptions and seeing their eyes light up at new learnings. If  nothing else, I hope we’veemphasized that a job is not all about the money. In the midst of 4 hours of talking, being stared at by a crowd, the heat and humidity, lack of sleep, and short preparation time, a light bulb flashed in my head.

This is it, Lord. This is my sweet spot.

Now being without you

Takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it

But I dont want to

Living without you

Is all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier

It’s the hardest thing to take

Im addicted to ya babe

You’re a hard habit to break

5 days….

For a slow Thursday are:

1. Witnessing a friend encounter God and realizing that John 3:16 is self-explanatory.

2. Anticipating my first niece (a doll! yehey!).

3. Receiving a farewell letter with from a person who made the past year worth it.

I’ve been to the videoke 3x the past month. I miss singing. I miss the choir. So I channel it into screaming renditions of Fame and I will survive. There is such sweet satisfaction in hitting those high notes and getting tricky timing right. It’s a happy bonus that I happened to be with people who have great singing voices on all those videoke escapades.
For now, I favor Patti Austin, especially this song. I wonder why…

In My Life

Although music is sweet
But the song incomplete
Now in my life,
Boy in my life
Something is missing
It’s the truth, yes it’s true
Still there’s no me and you
Here in my life
Boy in my life
Something is missing
In my life there ain’t no melody oh no
In my life there ain’t no harmony
To let me sing a song
All I need is a cue when I’m waiting for you
Boy in my life
You are the melody
Coz in my life
You are the song
Baby, in my life
You are the song
You are my melody
To me baby, in my life
You are my song

“Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living”

- Jim Elliot

This quote comes from one of the numerous LCM (Love, Courtship and Marriage) books I devoured in times ofhormonal imbalance. Since my love life right now remains a perpetual item on my prayer list, I am instead using this line to remind myself to tamp down on my excitement for the many things I have to look forward to. Countdown begins now:
5 days till I recalibrate my compass and reassess my values.

9 days till Holy Week, the end of the 2nd sem and moving on.

14 days till Finals week and a series of dates with friends.

20 days till my mama’s 58th birthday.

21 days till Kawayan Camp 2008 in Bacolod.

and barely a couple more months before I decide again.

I finally submitted my resignation letter last February, effective March 21. After all my work-related angst, what took me so long? Well, it was just now that I finally got that clear signal to go. No fanfare, no big arrows, no voice booming from yonder clouds. Just having that peace and conviction settle in that now is the time to leave. Out of the comfort zone again.
 My summer is pretty much mapped out, what with finals week, Kawayan Camp and a much awaited vacation at last. But wait, I still have no inkling about what will happen come June. I used to have a clear plan, but that clarity lasted all of 1 month. Now I am faced with a fork in the road. Either way is good, but which is best? At least I am constantly reminded that:

You don’t need to wait for the answers before you step out in faith.

Piket sabay hakbang.

Around 8 years ago, we had our HS grad ceremony at SIC. A song from that event keeps playing in my head right now:

Thank you for playing my music
Thank you for singing my song
Thank you for sparing a moment
Cause with you I feel I really belong
Thank you for keeping me company
Thank you for being my friend
And if our paths should cross somehow somewhen
I’d like to sing this song again…
 

Since I had no camera and am too lazy to download almost a thousand photos from my companions’ multiply sites, here is the text version of my weekend away with officemates at Baguio, during the Panagbenga 2008. Unlike the horde (flock, multitude, masses, crowds, etc) of humanity that converged in the summer capital last week, I did not see a single float or witness a moment of the parade. So what did I do instead?

1.  Experienced Divi in SM Baguio, but around 20 degrees colder, when we went to eat lunch and meet up with the 1st batch of Baguio adventurers.

 2. Ate at a lot of expensive places; the food in the restos were okay, the service in one of them was… indescribably bad. They STARVED me, huhuhuhuhu!!!

 3. Got stranded in Bakakeng, climbed 100(+++) steps up the wrong direction,  and hiked (think inclined plane) for 2 hours just to ride a jeepney, then walked again to Session road. I lost the weight i gained from all the resto hopping. Seriously.

 4. Camwhored at Camp John Hay with 2 shutterbugs and a fellow model. The benefits of having no camera, ehehe. Rolled around in the grass with flowers in my hair and the sun in my face. Until I itched.

 5. Shopped for vegetables, foodstuff and pasalubong at the public market. Lots of people, but bearable because of the cold. Then we got stranded again for 2 hours; had to resort to calling my parents to come fetch us.

 6. Enjoyed sleeping in a queen-sized bed under 3 blankets and 5 pillows. And lounging in large white couch that swallow people alive.

 7. Stargazed on a bench in the balcony, wrapped in a yellow comforter. Only the sound of the phantom serial killer interrupted my reverie. And the single digit temperature. Brr!!!

 8. Did my homework while waiting for the bus home. Rats.

This is my first trip for purely recreational purposes; non-work, non-school, non-ministry, non-family related. Er, scratch the last one, my parents, grandmothers and younger brother were there too.

I shall return…

Yes, boss Tatint. Here ya go… there is more than 10, so i grouped ‘em:

1. impromptu KC reunions and realizing that half a decade later, we are still friends.

2. stargazing at midnight in Baguio, listening to the utter silence and wrapped in a bright yellow comforter with just my glasses and nose peeking out.

3. taking a group bath: girls and boys, hehe. at the poso in Loob Bunga and at the Iba beach with my EDFD 221 classmates. plus a gorgeous sunset and wonderful food.

4. camwhoring at Camp John Hay and posing on the grass with flowers in my hair.
 
5. in the office: an  influx of previews, team Buffet and the never ending supply of sweets and nibbles

6. free videoke, soaking in the hot springs, instant Tagaytay lunch and and Kylie’s caldereta and chicken lollipop.

7. books: Devotions for Women on the Go, Twilight and The Serpent in the Crown.

8. grace periods, suspended classes, absent professors and extended deadlines

9. finally managed to sweet talk my 2nd hand ipod shuffle into playing music

10. and now, the end is near. countdown starts now for so many things!

and so i tag: Carmi, Chuza, Darlene, Hannah, Sukha, Wendee, Cara, Anne, Elle, and Dennis.

in response to Xaris’s meme:

please leave something

If you read this journal,
even if I don’t speak to you often,
post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want.
It can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.


Then post this on your journal.
Be surprised and see what people remember about you.

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling,
And you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me…
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
‘Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

Perfectionism and excellence are not synonyms. Another set of antonyms are: being stuck and deliberately waiting.
There is a huge difference between being content in all circumstances and settling for something less.
A life-altering gap exists between what is good and what is best. Not all opportunities should be grabbed immediately, or at all.
Feelings are very deceptive. The sneaky things change every second. So, just because you enjoy something does not make it right for you. And even when you don’t feel like it, there are some tasks that are compulsary.
Be more careful in word and deed. People tend to assume, and often they see things that are not there.
A vacation is not a luxury. Rest and recreation is necessary for your health sanity. Stop feeling guilty!
You do not have to explain myself to everyone. They won’t understand anyway. As long as you have peace, go.

People come and leave for a reason. Learn the art of letting go.
It isn’t an accident that you habve this set of skils, talents, likes, dislikes, traits, etc, etc. You are who you are for a purpose. And you know that purpose. Stop denying it.
Pessimism is not good. More than five years of being under grace is proof enough.

And I am loved.