Truth Tuesday: Today I choose

The title for today’s post is inspired by an online friend’s blog meme called Truth Thursdays. These three words capture what I have to do did the past weekend. I’ve been wallowing in abnormal (for me) melancholy for way too long. I let myself be stuck in comfort zones that only seem comfortable, but in reality are square holes for my very round peg. The past three months has been a real-life MTV of the song Momentum by Aimee Mann:

Oh, for the sake of momentum

I’ve allowed my fears to get larger than life…

…I know life is getting shorter

I can’t bring myself to set the scene

Even when it’s broaching torture

I’ve got my routine

I can’t confront the doubts I have

I can’t admit that maybe the past was bad

And so for the sake of momentum

I’m condemning the future to death

So it can match the past.

So today I choose:

To stop being lost and start getting found. I’ve had a pretty good idea of my calling for some time now, and my giftings are very self evident (because the are nosiy ones). Yet the fear of failure, the fear of eventually losing interest, and yes, the fear of going hungry has stopped me from seizing opportunities to actually do what I’m called to do. So I kept saying to myself, safe is best, make 5-year plans, constant boredom is part of work, and that pesky restlessness will go away by itself.

Half a decade on, what do I have to show for it? A demotivated job hopper who lives for the weekends. A person who keeps on looking for career counseling from people who seem to have their act together. Recently a friend tagged me as “the lost one” in her fb application. When I reacted, she texted back: get found already. Ah, better the wounds of a friend indeed.

So after posting this blog, I’m off to make this choice real. Nothing to hold onto except this: Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.

To stop expecting and start living. I have been on quite an exciting roller coaster ride the past quarter. But after a while, going an unpredictable up-down-around-now-what? made me realize that roller coaster rides may be thrilling but I have a tendency to get motion sick. So before I hurl and totally ruin my dignity, I’m getting off the ride and out of the amusement park. Chalk one up to experience. No regrets. It was fun while it lasted, but to paraphrase M’s poem:  eto na ang hangganan ng pagkakataon.

On a lighter note: because the Vesper Choir is on Christmas cantata practice mode, I end this post with a few lines from a solo that should have been mine.

Oh happy day, what a happy happy day

When Jesus Christ (when Jesus was)

Was born on Christmas day….

Oh, what a happy day!

I’m still singing solo in December though. No escape. December 2005 first solo-singing trauma and all.

What does not kill me makes me stronger, he he he.