Entries from September 2009 ↓

My song of the moment is the memory of raindrops on a Wednesday night walk.

It has no melody or harmony or tune. I can’t sing along with it or put it down into chords. It’s just a steady yet gentle drumming on my umbrella, punctuated irregularly by a heavy drop falling from a tree overhead and our footsteps squishing on the slick road.

But this song of the moment does have lyrics:

I love walking with you. I like long talks. I like maroon umbrellas. I like deserted streets. I love the night. I love to eat. I like kimchi and tofu. I miss dorm life. I love brewed coffee. I love books. I like reading blogs. I miss our library. I like intellectual discussions. I like research. I love being inspired. I love the truth. I like cats. I miss theater. I like flipflops. I love sunsets. I like taking pictures. I love posing for the camera. I like conversing with foreigners. I love Spondazontes. I like sleeping in and allnighters. I love our AJ.  I like upwords. I miss friends who are far away. I like videoke. I love sweetness.  I like singing myself to sleep. I love asking: now, what? I love dreaming of the future. I miss puppy love. I love flourless chocolate cake. I like remembering mountaintop experiences. I love red. I like old technology. I love new experiences. I miss 20/20 vision. I love a good story. I like road trips. I love laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I miss esbi. I love my Roy. I like sleeping underneath 6 pillows. I love giving and receiving massages. I like texting. I miss handwritten letters. I like calligraphy. I like shooting stars and gazing at the heavenlies. I like my alien-headset. I like musically-inclined humans. I miss being a camper. I like tall men. I like promise-keepers. I love being an ate. I love my ates. I miss warm hugs and butterfly kisses. I like the wind in my hair. I love unos. I like comfy clothes. I miss my tubaos. I love weekends away. I like certainty.  I like being with passionate people. I love to sing. I love walking in the rain. I like being with you. I like you. I love you.

Monday morning, I overhead this conversation as two of my friends were trying to rouse me from the sleep of the dead:

L: Ang hirap gisingin ng batang ito… Little girl, wake up! May food! Magvideoke na tayo! (me covers face with blanket)

S: Parang balloon yan eh.. kapag puno ng hangin, palutang lutang o kaya naman sobrang likot na parang lobo na nilalabasan ng hangin. Tapos kapag naubusan na ng laman, kelangan magkarga ulit…psst, psst, psst (mimics the sound of a balloon pump)

That’s what a month of out of town traveling and major events does to a sleepyhead like me. So where and what have I been up to the past few weeks?

• Advancing the Jesus Agenda National Youth Forum, Tagaytay City
• Kairos Workshop – Common Ground, Batangas City and Lobo, Batangas
• Transform South East Asia Conference (TSEA), Mandaluyong City
• Touch of Glory Prayer Mountain (YA ocular), Antipolo City
• Life Pursuits 2: Challenging the Ordinary, Ortigas
• Benj’s and Tita Ceny’s birthday, Silang, Cavite
• TSEA Facilitators’ Evaluation and Treat, Subic
• Nurturing Passion as a Community Professionals’ Retreat Batch 5, Silang
• Lei’s birthday, Meycauayan, Bulacan

In between were my Makati job, MA classes at Diliman, Cubao visits, etc.  According to my dad, “isa kang inalog na duhat.” Nice imagery, that.

In most cases, my trips were for free! God is good, he he he. Serving the kingdom does have its perks. But it does have a physical toll; I was sick for the first time in months the second week of September. A mere mortal am I. All that eating also resulted in an increase in my waistline, waaah.  And the fatigue and stress can result in short tempers and an exhibition of Murphy’s law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Which I answer with Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So I have learned in the past few weeks:

• To travel light
• To laugh at my mistakes and other peoples’ too
• To listen without judgment or criticism
• To bear with tantrums and disappointment
• To do what needs to be done
• To forgive and be forgiven
• To only go where I am needed and wanted
• To let go of complicated things
• To expect the best and prepare for the worst

I also appreciated friends even more, especially those who:

• Washed dishes with me for two days straight and advised me to “keep the faucet open” (LOL!)
• Kept me company and shared my sanctuary.
• Sang cheesy love songs and beautiful duets on the videoke machine.
• Invited me to join events, grab opportunities and brave new experiences.
• Knocked on my door in the middle of the afternoon bearing tissue paper, oatmeal, milk and a pack of flu medicine.
• Gave me warm hugs and much-needed massages.
• Served with me and treated  my flighty work habits with patience.
• Made me freshly brewed coffee and cooked for me.
• Lent me a jacket without being asked when I was stuck in an icebox.
• Pushed me into the Marianas trench and advised me to face my fears (aka as the Superbowl slide of doooom!)
• Talked with me for hours and listened.
• Lent me pretty dresses and convinced me to actually wear them.
• Accepted my invitations =)
• Inspired me with their blog posts.
• Let me sleep in and wake up late, as well as those who woke me up when it was necessary.
• Told the truth, even when it hurt. A lot.
• Were simply there.

And to those friends I sing:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me
(Chorus)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (call me)

Listen to the acapela version sung by my KC mates 6 years ago in Cebu:

23-lean-on-me

The title for today’s post is inspired by an online friend’s blog meme called Truth Thursdays. These three words capture what I have to do did the past weekend. I’ve been wallowing in abnormal (for me) melancholy for way too long. I let myself be stuck in comfort zones that only seem comfortable, but in reality are square holes for my very round peg. The past three months has been a real-life MTV of the song Momentum by Aimee Mann:

Oh, for the sake of momentum

I’ve allowed my fears to get larger than life…

…I know life is getting shorter

I can’t bring myself to set the scene

Even when it’s broaching torture

I’ve got my routine

I can’t confront the doubts I have

I can’t admit that maybe the past was bad

And so for the sake of momentum

I’m condemning the future to death

So it can match the past.

So today I choose:

To stop being lost and start getting found. I’ve had a pretty good idea of my calling for some time now, and my giftings are very self evident (because the are nosiy ones). Yet the fear of failure, the fear of eventually losing interest, and yes, the fear of going hungry has stopped me from seizing opportunities to actually do what I’m called to do. So I kept saying to myself, safe is best, make 5-year plans, constant boredom is part of work, and that pesky restlessness will go away by itself.

Half a decade on, what do I have to show for it? A demotivated job hopper who lives for the weekends. A person who keeps on looking for career counseling from people who seem to have their act together. Recently a friend tagged me as “the lost one” in her fb application. When I reacted, she texted back: get found already. Ah, better the wounds of a friend indeed.

So after posting this blog, I’m off to make this choice real. Nothing to hold onto except this: Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.

To stop expecting and start living. I have been on quite an exciting roller coaster ride the past quarter. But after a while, going an unpredictable up-down-around-now-what? made me realize that roller coaster rides may be thrilling but I have a tendency to get motion sick. So before I hurl and totally ruin my dignity, I’m getting off the ride and out of the amusement park. Chalk one up to experience. No regrets. It was fun while it lasted, but to paraphrase M’s poem:  eto na ang hangganan ng pagkakataon.

On a lighter note: because the Vesper Choir is on Christmas cantata practice mode, I end this post with a few lines from a solo that should have been mine.

Oh happy day, what a happy happy day

When Jesus Christ (when Jesus was)

Was born on Christmas day….

Oh, what a happy day!

I’m still singing solo in December though. No escape. December 2005 first solo-singing trauma and all.

What does not kill me makes me stronger, he he he.