I am a relational being. I love being in the company of people, talking endlessly, sharing stories, laughing for hours and eating together. I work well with teams and thrive in group work. Long term isolation is my idea of hell.
But of course, it’s not all fun and games. Being in a community means that you run the risk of getting hurt. Being intimate means that you let people get close enough to know the real you and see beyond the social, pretty and made-up masks we all hide behind. Being accountable means that you let people rebuke you and point out that while everything is permissible, not all of them is beneficial. And vice versa.
There are times I am sorely tempted to dump my cellphones, delete my social network accounts and go hide under a rock somewhere. Being in relationships is messy, unpredictable and confusing. Because people are messy, unpredictable and confusing.
Yet all this is part of being alive.
So I sing:
BEING ALIVE
Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive
Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being alive – being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive.
Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive
Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive
Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.
(from the musical The Company, Lyrics and Music by Stephen Sondheim)
The recenlty concluded National Christian Youth Forum added a hundred new humans into my life. It also reminded me that in everything, I should be advancing the Jesus Agenda. And how much I love being with the youth. And my song for the moment is Free by Hillsongs:
Would you believe me if I said
That we are the ones who can make the change
In the world today
Would you believe me if I said
That all of your dreams in your heart
Can come true… today… yeah…
Would you believe me if I said
That life could be all that you want it to be… today… yeah…
Chorus:
If I had wings I would fly
‘Cause all that I need, You are
And if the world caved in around me
To You I’d still hold on
Cause You’re all that I believe
And the one that created me
JESUS… because of You… I’m FREE
Verse 2:
Would you believe me if I said…
That God can make miracles happen today
Would you believe me if I said…
That you don’t need to wait for the answers before…
You step out in faith…
Would you believe me if I said That nothing is ever IMPOSSIBLE… for God… yeah… [Chorus]
Bridge:
Just live your life… with God inside
You wont regret one moment of it
And give all that you can for God… for God[Chorus x2]
…sometimes. A series of shopping trips with lovely ladies who are itching to give me a makeover reminded me of this song from Flower Drum Song:
I’m a girl, and by me that’s only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.
I adore being dressed in something frilly (EWW!)
When my date comes to get me at my place.
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,
Like a filly who is ready for the race!
When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!
When men say I’m cute and funny
And my teeth aren’t teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!
I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours (yeah!)
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face! (i prefer to eat cream)
I’m strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who’ll enjoy being a guy having a girl… like… me.
When men say I’m sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!
When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev’ry silken curl
That falls on my iv’ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!
When I hear the compliment’ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle’s meant for me!
I’m strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who’ll enjoy being a guy having a girl… like… me.
Slowly and surely, they are converting me to the cause of color coordination, make-up, rebonded hair, high heels, contact lenses and being feminine. Slowly is the operative word. Beauty is pain. And clothes and parlor trips are expensive! Honestly, I’d rather eat or read.
But there has been times this year that I enjoyed being a girl…
Middle of August, I had an impromptu yet much needed retreat with a couple of friends. Saturday night was spent drinking great coffee, gazing at the stars and braving the cold. I was rewarded with a brief glimpse of a falling star and a last song syndrome because of it.Maybe by Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack is echoing in my head. The realizations I had is a little out of context (it is a song about a second chance at love, so it is waaaay off topic), so bear with my ramblings.
And if the answers don’t come quick we’ll go with how it feels
And sometimes that’s not yes or no but…maybe…
Answers can never come quickly enough for me. And true to form, my questions regarding calling and career are being answered in suspenseful slowness. Also, I usually go with what I feel, so the current mood swings about my job is not helping. This weekend, two things were impressed upon me by the Spirit: take the road less travelled and consider the interests of others. No matter what I feel. Very specific… yet helpful.
And if we learn to keep it free and let each other grow
We’ll find out there’s no yes or no just… maybe
This realization I had regarding relationships. I am experiencing a little separation anxiety over friends; it seems like when I finally had time for people, they were the ones who became too busy this season. Or, in the case of a mentor, they leave for good. =( So I keep on learning to say hello and goodbye with gladness. And keep friendships, not with a grasping fist, but an open palm.
Maybe there’ll be no falling stars this time around
I still believe that…
My companions were trying to name the constellations and stars that night. I realized that in my years of appreciating the heavenlies, I could not identify a single formation. And while I am a self-avowed caffeine addict, I can never distinguish among the coffee varieties I drink by the gallon. So I realized that:
Sometimes, you don’t need names or labels. You enjoy and appreciate them just because they are there. While they are there.
I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place
Where a hero’s welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face And a voice keeps saying This is where I’m meant to be
I have often blogged of my yearning to do what I was designed to do, of my search for a purpose, of my looking for a place to belong. In the past half decade, I’m slowly narrowing it down. The operative word there is slowly... Sigh. Mostly via trial and error (witness me jobhopping all over), a few times through sheer kakulitan or the more nicely termed perseverance (masteral classes and choir).
But sometimes, I hear that voice say clearly, Yes, or This is it. Like last August 8. More often though, I hear that same voice say No, Not yet, or Move on. Like today.
I’ll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev’ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I’ll be right where I belong
Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I’ll see it through
So I continue connecting those crazily scattered dots and find that they veer all over the map. So I keep on giving and going that extra mile…and discover that the road ahead disappears into the horizon. But gradually, the picture is coming into focus. That the journey is the end, not just the destination. That people come and go, things are found and lost, and events happen for a reason. And that there will always be crossroads where I have to trust that voice and choose where to next.
And I won’t look back
I can go the distance
And I’ll stay on track
No I won’t accept defeat
It’s an uphill slope
But I won’t lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete
But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero’s strength is measured by his heart
Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don’t care how far
I can go the distance
Till I find my hero’s welcome
Waiting in your arms…
Right where I belong. I may be all confusion and angst at the moment, but I know what I want. And it is worth going the distance and waiting a lifetime for.
Why, what happened? I overbooked my schedule again. Oops.
9am – 1pm: TSEA Facilitator’s meeting, CCC National Office, Timog
1:30-3:30 pm: meeting for colleger sembreak camp, Mcdonald’s Quezon Avenue
4:30-6:30 pm: Kairos Facilitators Training Pathway practicum
* good thing the prayer night at Silang was rescheduled, whew!
I survived August 8 because of grace. Pure and simple. So I praise God:
that the TSEA facilitators training was fruitful and that we had a wonderful breakfast and lunch.
that I have something to look forward to this sembreak: a college camp 13 hours away.
for the miraculous intervention during my Kairos practicum and the painted star on my hand.
for the suprise meeting with a member of my triad and free rides.
for sleepovers, phone calls and text messages.
for letting me minister to a sick friend via massage therapy.
for a brand new hammock.
And to all those who experienced half-day training, MRT trips, night shift, loneliness,core group meetings, long bus rides, kairos practicum, being stood up, reunions, camp mode, medical board exams, slight fever, fatigue, church anniversary preparations, missions month planning, sleepless sleepovers, being lost, muscle pain, LET review, going to new places, carrying a one-year old, laugh trips, house cleaning, driving, workshop facilitating, birthday parties, fundraising, brochure making and to people who are simply tired… this is my lullaby for you:
Tulog na mahal ko
Hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
Lika na, tulog na tayo.
Tulog na mahal ko
Wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
Saka na mamroblema
Tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Kung matulog, matulog ka na
Tulog na mahal ko
Nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
Sige na, tulog na muna
Tulog na mahal ko
At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
At sabay natin haharapin ang mundo
Tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Kung matulog, matulog ka na
Rainy days usually make me gloomy and lethargic and sleepy. Usually. But not this week of Jolina and Kiko’s combined onslaught on the metropolis. I was still sleepy (of course) but it was a happy week. Let me count the times I laughed in the rain:
Kairos Facilitators Pathway with repressed-ADHD Common Ground humans
UPLB fieldtrip, Araneta Center, IRRI, and pictorials galore
Walking Makati streets after work
5 Talento meeting and an impromptu Ministop date
Dinner and laughtrip with Batingawers batch 2000-2001
Adopted humans: Darlene, Benj and Lei
Family getogether: kumpleto kami! Roy and Bubut included
Phildadelphia Quiet Time Sharing in the middle of a storm and a new book from Grace
Listening to Vesper Choir recordings over and over again
New slippers and new shoes
Peppermint ice cream, weird pasta concoction, carabao chocomilk, beef caldereta and chicken adobo
Reconnecting with much missed humans
Kisses from the little munster and trying to feed her tofu with chopsticks (mahirap!) while she looked at me with cute puppy I’m-hungry-ambagal-mo-magsubo-Tita eyes
I heard this song last night as I was walking home, 10:30pm-ish along the deserted Makati streets. Comforting… My mom used to sing us to sleep with it. So in this time of confusion, my song for the moment is:
When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend
If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knocking at your door
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
Ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold
They’ll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don’t you let them
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend
