I’ve always labeled this season as my quarterlife crisis, inspired by dozens of other bloggers going through the same angsts and experiences. Of course, that is based on the assumption that I have a hundred years to live. Well, only God knows.

Listening to the song made me think: Has anything changed significantly as I grew older? Is there any difference between me now, a year ago, four years ago, eleven years ago?

I’m 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

At fifteen I was an unabashed bookworm nerd, geek, grade-conscious teacher’s pet. My world revolved around books, usually of the cheap paperback kind, quiz bees, class projects, and food (of course). At fifteen, I had been living away from my parents for two years already. My allowance was a measly P350/week (all in) and my dorm curfew was at 9:00 pm. My joys were simple then: free lunch with the Coolits, running around the quadrangle, napping at the SBO office, McDonald’s ice cream cone for P2.75, and a good find at Booksale, Masagana. My afternoons and evenings, when not occupied with class requirements, were spent reading Time, Newsweek, Asiaweek, National Geographic, Reader’s Digest, or whatever reading material my dad would bring on his nightly visits to the dorm. My dad is my bestfriend, and I could talk with him about anything. I miss that most of all: twilight parked under a big acacia tree, talking or reading, while watching the bats flying overhead and hearing the convent bell sound for Angelus. I went to an exclusive school run by nuns so I was pretty sheltered, and my dorm was also a convent. No motivation whatsoever to rebel, although looking back I realize that I was a very insecure, lost and antisocial adolescent. I had a mild crush on one of my dorm mates who was a college freshman in our sister school; I forgot his name already. And I was still unaware of the wonderful plans He has for me…

I’m 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars

At twenty-two, I still had trauma from my undergrad thesis and was a whopping 48 kilos (that is underweight for my height) because of the stress. I had been denied a visa to a faraway land and rejoiced because of it. I had just gotten accepted into a new job at one the country’s biggest telco. But working with my mom was…challenging. I was also commuting everyday from Makati to Las Pinas and hated the loss of sleep. I also started to realize that I hated cubicles, office politics, 8-5 jobs and jobs that require me to stare at a PC all day. I had said goodbye to campus ministry and said hello to professionals ministry. I made vow to myself never to study again. I was without an allowance for the first time and reveling in my lack of a curfew. I had so much energy at 22 and was looking for ways to channel all that enthusiasm and adrenaline. That year, I had almost no comfort zones whatsoever. And at twenty two, I had my heart bruised but not broken. Because at that time, my heart had belonged to Someone for three blessed years already.

15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

NOW: Why do I feel like I have been at a crossroads for the past couple of years? And comfort zones never last for more than half a year? Hello and goodbye has been my standard greeting. I am not lost but I sure feel like it…

Realizations? Little in the way of definite answers yet. Lessons are still being learned. I am a work in progress; masterpieces take time, you know. And after MA, everything is still up in the air.

And the song goes on…

I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I’m 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I’m heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I’m all right with you
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We’re moving on…

I’m 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there’s still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day…