I’ve always labeled this season as my quarterlife crisis, inspired by dozens of other bloggers going through the same angsts and experiences. Of course, that is based on the assumption that I have a hundred years to live. Well, only God knows.
Listening to the song made me think: Has anything changed significantly as I grew older? Is there any difference between me now, a year ago, four years ago, eleven years ago?
I’m 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
At fifteen I was an unabashed bookworm nerd, geek, grade-conscious teacher’s pet. My world revolved around books, usually of the cheap paperback kind, quiz bees, class projects, and food (of course). At fifteen, I had been living away from my parents for two years already. My allowance was a measly P350/week (all in) and my dorm curfew was at 9:00 pm. My joys were simple then: free lunch with the Coolits, running around the quadrangle, napping at the SBO office, McDonald’s ice cream cone for P2.75, and a good find at Booksale, Masagana. My afternoons and evenings, when not occupied with class requirements, were spent reading Time, Newsweek, Asiaweek, National Geographic, Reader’s Digest, or whatever reading material my dad would bring on his nightly visits to the dorm. My dad is my bestfriend, and I could talk with him about anything. I miss that most of all: twilight parked under a big acacia tree, talking or reading, while watching the bats flying overhead and hearing the convent bell sound for Angelus. I went to an exclusive school run by nuns so I was pretty sheltered, and my dorm was also a convent. No motivation whatsoever to rebel, although looking back I realize that I was a very insecure, lost and antisocial adolescent. I had a mild crush on one of my dorm mates who was a college freshman in our sister school; I forgot his name already. And I was still unaware of the wonderful plans He has for me…
I’m 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars
At twenty-two, I still had trauma from my undergrad thesis and was a whopping 48 kilos (that is underweight for my height) because of the stress. I had been denied a visa to a faraway land and rejoiced because of it. I had just gotten accepted into a new job at one the country’s biggest telco. But working with my mom was…challenging. I was also commuting everyday from Makati to Las Pinas and hated the loss of sleep. I also started to realize that I hated cubicles, office politics, 8-5 jobs and jobs that require me to stare at a PC all day. I had said goodbye to campus ministry and said hello to professionals ministry. I made vow to myself never to study again. I was without an allowance for the first time and reveling in my lack of a curfew. I had so much energy at 22 and was looking for ways to channel all that enthusiasm and adrenaline. That year, I had almost no comfort zones whatsoever. And at twenty two, I had my heart bruised but not broken. Because at that time, my heart had belonged to Someone for three blessed years already.
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
NOW: Why do I feel like I have been at a crossroads for the past couple of years? And comfort zones never last for more than half a year? Hello and goodbye has been my standard greeting. I am not lost but I sure feel like it…
Realizations? Little in the way of definite answers yet. Lessons are still being learned. I am a work in progress; masterpieces take time, you know. And after MA, everything is still up in the air.
And the song goes on…
I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I’m 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I’m heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I’m all right with you
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We’re moving on…
I’m 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there’s still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day…
Try to remember the kind of September When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow. Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow. Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
I (finally!) watched The Fantasticks last night. Mas natutuloy talaga ang mga bagay na di planado, hehe. For some reason, I became teary-eyed when I heard the opening song, Try to Remember. I did remember a lot of things…
6am-6pm Sundays of three back to back shows in the GSP Theater. Memorizing the underground backstage so that we can run from one end to the other in pitch blackness. Hauling tables and lampposts and disco lights. Stepping on thumbtacks and nails without a hint of pain because the show must go on. Quick changes and tabletop dancing and dodging flying plastic chairs. Knowing exactly when an audience will laugh and getting surprised when they do get a particularly obscure joke. Being onstage and keeping the fourth wall intact. Astral, CAS, Remedios and Taft. Being with the Batingawers.
Gown fittings and borrowed closed shoes and make-up sessions and makeover attempts. Dinner at Karate Kid and sleepless weekends. Tape-recorded practice tracks and the transition to MP3. Mimicking our conductor’s flamboyant gestures and trying not to sound like Ading Fernando. Going to Lipa, Batangas and enjoying the delicacies at Benok’s. Learning to be a loudspeaker and a tuning fork. Luring dormers to sing with the promise of free dinner. Christmas cantatas and the months of rehearsals beforehand. Suman, donuts, puto, salmon sardines, bagoong with mangga. Vesper Choir when I was still an (innocent) student.
Walking in the Luneta waaay past curfew, then sitting on the steps of the Finance Building. Singing the Ms Saigon libretto in tandem while walking in front of the CCP. Getting busted in the middle of a prayer meeting. Taking the plane instead of a boat home. Voice tapes sent over 500 miles via friend mail. Walking in a strange crowd in the middle of a festival, holding on for dear life. Listening to choir rehearsals for a wedding. Three-hour long-distance conversations and P3,000 celphone bills. Guitar lessons, P&W jamming sessions and PEP test English tutorials. Bullying, singing contests, massage sessions and team breakfasts. Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks and Coffee Bean. Doulos, a Valentine’s lunch at 1:00 am, and seeing several shooting stars in a single night. Laughing in the rain, walking hand in hand.
Here I stand
Forever in Your mighty hand
Living with Your promise
Written on my heart
I am Yours
Surrendered wholly to You
You set me in Your family
Calling me Your own
Now I, I belong to You
Lord I need
Your Spirit, Your word, Your truth
Hear my cry
My deep desire
To know You more
In Your name
I will lift my hands
To the King
This anthem of praise I bring
Heaven knows
I long to love You
With all I am
I belong to You
Song to myself as my first quarter century draws to a close. And here are things to remember as I celebrate 26 years of life, love and blessings:
Be present in the here and now! Enjoy the moment!
Make the most of every opportunity! Carpe Diem!
And God has such wonderful plans indeed… =)
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I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making
Don’t let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
Wednesday started with a smile because friends stayed over at my place the night before, I had free lunch, and my website write up was (almost) done. That evening, our MA class was long but interesting, followed by a dinner date with Praise at Kas Foodhouse. I was also anticipating another evening with two adopted humans at my place.
Then came the domino effect:
When we arrived at my place Wednesday evening, I saw a little orange slip tucked under the door. It was a disconnection notice; due to miscommunication, no one had paid for the electric bill that month. Arg. So the adopter (me) ended up being adopted; we had to relocate to Adriatico for the night. Food trip (success), ice cream hunting (fail), coke drinking (success), wine tasting (fail), movie watching (we fell asleep halfway through the 2nd movie) and storytelling galore ensued. We did not even notice that Isang had swept into the Philippines until…
Thursday:
Thursday morning dawned dark and gloomy, with lots of rain and Taft underwater again. All of us ended up having disrupted schedules because of the storm. Ah well, my crankiness at the ruins of my plans went away because of two more movie files, a homecooked lunch, eight hours of sleep, a fantastic view of Manila, winds rushing into the window because of the storm, a free shoulder massage, and the company of two good friends. Thursday night I only had coins left in my purse, no load, an unpaid electric bill, a hurriedly gulped down dinner and was wading in ankle-deep floodwaters on my way to another homeless shelter (another friend’s place in Vito Cruz).
But I wasn’t cranky anymore. Instead, this song kept on playing in my head. Probably because my friend played it over and over and over again while I was at her place. Or probably to remind me that despite unexpected events, long waits, stormy days, delayed salaries, problems big or small, I know that they will be there. He will still be there.
Jesus Will Still be There
(Points of Grace)
Things change, plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise, hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day
When the going gets tough
When the rides too rough When you’re just not sure enough
(chorus) Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He’ll still be loving you
When it looks like you’ve lost it all
And you haven’t got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
Time flies, hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes, weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough
When the rides too rough
When you’re just not sure enough
(repeat chorus) (2x)
When it looks like you’ve lost it all
And you haven’t got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
In our professionals’ retreat, we talked about what it meant to be in a community. To be a member of a family, to be part of a church, to work with others, to have friends, and so on. People who are part of our lives not just because of convenience, but because they were meant to be.
I took stock of all the connections and groups that I have been a part of for the past quarter century. An apt song from MJ shows what almost 26 years’ worth of relationships have meant to me:
Hold me Like the river Jordan
And I will then say to thee
You are my friend
They encourage me to walk through parted waters and claim His promises. They remind me of the breakthroughs that are yet to come, but will. They inspire me to become a better person and live out the victory that is already ours.
Carry me
Like you are my brother
Love me like a mother Will you be there?
They are not afraid to have knowledge and experience of who I am. To get personal, to be involved, to share confidences with, to be intimate. Off with the pretense and on with reality.
Weary
Tell me will you hold me When wrong, will you scold me
When lost will you find me?
And they got close enough for discomfort. For my vulnerabilities to show. To realize that I am not perfect. I get tired, cranky, make mistakes, and I can be misled. Yet they accept these, forgive, and stay. When I fall, they help me get back on my feet and set me straight. Rather than the kisses I prefer, they care enough to give me the wounds I need instead. They do not give up hope.
But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight till the end But I’m only human
Everyone’s taking control of me
Seems that the world’s
Got a role for me I’m so confused
Will you show to me
You’ll be there for me
And care enough to bear me
Right now, I am overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations, mixed emotions and contradicting advice.
Right now, they are my sanity. They remind me to take it one step at a time. To let go and let God. To rest and have breathing space. To follow my passion and express it with joy. To ignore dignity and just let out the outpourings of a grateful heart.
And with them here, things are better. Through them, I feel blessed:
hold me lay your head lowly
softly then boldly
carry me there
lead me love me and feed me
kiss me and free me
I will feel blessed
carry
carry me boldly
lift me up slowly carry me there
save me
heal me and bathe me softly you say to me I will be there
lift me
lift me up slowly
carry me boldly show me you care
hold me
lay your head lowly softly then boldly
carry me there
lead me
love me and feed me
kiss me and free me I will feel blessed
Moment of truth. When it is their turn to ask me, can I reciprocate? Lord, help me to say with conviction: Yes, I will be there.
(spoken)
In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
And my tribulations Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I’ll never let you part
For you’re always in my heart.
2Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. 3And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. 4Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. 5Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.6Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.(Colossians 4:2-6 NIV)