I’ve noticed a trend towards melancholic angst and philosophical questions in my blogs the past few weeks. So not me! I’m sanguine! I’m chipper! I’m choleric! I take control! Ah well…must be hormonal? Haha.
But one thing did stick in my one month of sentimental wallowing: Happiness is a decision.
So I choose to be happy. Starting off by counting my blessings and the beautiful memories of the start of rainy days:
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream
Finding your skate key, telling the time
Happiness is learning to whistle Tying your shoe for the very first time
Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band And happiness is walking hand in hand
Happiness is food, trying out new things, and making time for friendships. My mother and my aunt’s cooking. A footlong hotdog sandwich after a 12 hour fast. Bagoong and fresh tomatoes. Cold chocolait in a tetrapack. Brewed coffee anytime. Apple-raisin crepe. Learning how to operate Linux. Inviting random humans for overnights. Working on big dreams. Not getting a hangover. Hugs and kisses. Sharing tears of grief. The discipline to say no. The courage to say yes. Getting out of my comfort zone. A new corporate job. Deciding to let go and let God. Dropping a subject and being INC. Clocking 300+ kms on bus rides in a weekend. Being vulnerable. Getting to know you. Trying out the slide in the playground. =)
Happiness is five different crayons
Knowing a secret, climbing a tree
Happiness is finding a nickel
Catching a firefly, setting him free Happiness is being alone every now and then
And happiness is coming home again
Happiness is being with myself and being with family. Happiness is reading a good book. Quiet quiet times and hammock moments in our rooftop. Being surrounded by golden ricestalks ready for harvest and not much else. Seeing real live fireflies in UP Diliman and along a lonely highway in Ifugao. My niece’s first birthday. Sharing recipes and job hunting stories. It’s squatting by an irrigation ditch for hours, presumably to catch tiny fish using a makeshift net. Actually , I was reconnecting with my dad while eavesdropping on my mom conducting business negotiations in Kapampangan. Being assured that no matter what, I am loved.
Happiness is having a sister
Sharing a sandwich
Getting along Happiness is singing together when day is through
And happiness is those who sing with you
Happiness is music. Of weekly videoke sessions that lasted for hours. All of them free. =) Singing with the Vesper choir. Singing with people who can harmonize so well that you sound as good as they do. Listening to Lea Salonga on tape. Listening to bird whistles in a lazy Saturday afternoon. Listening to the kuliglig symphony. Listening to the falling rain. Love songs and a capela groups. Carmina Burana with matching discussions about classical music. The sweet sound of a much awaited knock on my door. Familiar voices. My brother mimicking the latest commercial on TV. Babbling one-year old niece. Singing alone. Singing with you. Singing to God.
Happiness is morning and evening
Daytime and nighttime, too
Happiness is anytime of the day. Spectacular sunsets in the unlikeliest of places: while walking along the pedestrian crossover from LRT to MRT in EDSA-Taft; in the middle of a ricefield, 360 degree perspective; peering out of bus curtains on the way home from another new place; behind the huge MAKRO sign in front of my apartment window; watching the sun sink into Manila Bay on the rooftop of a condo building. A cold Sunday night and predawn darkness with the skies covered with stars. High noon in the middle of the rice bowl, or on top of a mountain, or rolling down a grassy hill. The solitary sunrise I’ve seen recently: peeking from behind thick clouds and crowded mountains, with the wind in my hair and barely awake.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you
I must learn how to cook. My appetite demands it. Unfortunately, boiling water and a little miniscule frying covers the extent of my kitchen skills. In the past few years of independence, I’ve survived on instant everything and the questionably hygienic corner turo-turo.
So for the sake of my sanity, I’ll experiment with my younger brother’s carbonara recipe. In respect to the commandment “Thou shall not kill,” I’ll be my own guinea pig. After all, if the experiment fails, Makati Med is just a stone’s throw away from my place.
1 pack cream of mushroom
1 small can evaporated milk
1 can mushrooms
500g bacon cut into bite-sized pieces
1 kilo spaghetti/pasta noodles of choice
2 pieces medium sized green bell pepper, chopped
cook pasta.(until al dente) set aside
*dilute mushroom soup powder in 1 cup of water set aside
fry bacon (until crispy) set aside
boil 2 cups water once it has boiled
mix mushroom soup* and evaporated milk (more milk thicker sauce)
leave under medium fire to simmer
add mushroom and bacon stir continuously until thick
add bell pepper.
pour sauce on pasta
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
water’s getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
The rainy season is here… in more ways than one. As I write this, it’s 2:40 in the afternoon yet the sky outside is almost pitch black with the driving rain. To some extent, the weather reflects my mood for most of June. It snuck up on me like one of those Tuguegarao thunderstorms; one moment it was all bright and hot, then suddenly the winds picked up, bringing with them low clouds and sheets of rain galore.
I feel tossed and blown about by my emotions, circumstances and my own thoughts… the freaking things seem to change every five minutes. And I do not understand myself one bit. I’ve let myself fall into the same confusing situations that I’ve vowed time and again to avoid like the plague. Seems like I have not yet learned what I was supposed to from those previous experiences…
i know you didn’t
bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i’m so used to living underneath the surface
Now, I’m having one of those rare and scary times when praying seems like talking to the ceiling. I have asked tons of questions and tried my best to be still and listen, yet He remains curiously silent. I know he is there, but I don’t feel it. So I cling to His promises and the victories of the summer past. And the assurance that yes, this too shall pass.
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I’d see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your arms
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything’s alright
(Storm by Lifehouse)
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa lapad ng kaniyang mga balikat.
Ito’y nadarama sa higpit ng kaniyang mga yakap.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa lagong at lakas ng kaniyang boses.
Kundi sa marahan niyang tinig.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa dami ng kaniyang mga kabarkada.
Ito’y sa kung paano siya makisama sa kaniyang mga anak.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa kung paano siya tinitingala ng
kaniyang mga ka-opisina. Ito’y sa kung paano siya iginagalang sa tahanan.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa kung gaano siya katindi sumuntok.
Ito’y sa mapagmahal niyang haplos.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa lago ng buhok sa kaniyang dibdib.
Ito’y sa laki ng pusong tinitibok ay pag-ibig.
Ang lakas ng isang ama’y hindi sa bigat ng kaniyang binubuhat.
Ito’y sa mga kabigatang kaya niyang bathin.
Ang lakas ng isang ama ay hindi sa dami ng babaeng kaniyang pina-ibig.
Ito’y kung gaano siya katapat magmahal sa kaniyang natatanging kabiyak.
** this is one of the most requested spot in dzas nowadays. marahil, dahil sa malapit na ang fathers day. i believe this is what fatherhood really means..galing sa blog ni Aaron. Thanks bro! happy FUTURE father’s day din sayo!
And to my Papa: Happy Father’s Day, from the cantankerous/persnickety one.
Una kong narinig ang Lea ng Buklod nung ako ay nasa kolehiyo pa lamang. Bago magsimula ang isa pang palabas namin sa teatro, ito ang pinapatugtog na house music. Nagtaka ako bakit ito ang laging pinipili ng aming stage manager… naintindihan ko na rin nung nakita ko ang lyrics.
At ngayong ako ay naghihintay sa maraming bagay, ito ang aking awit:
May ningning pa ang mga bituin
Nagbangon na sila’t handa nang salubungin
Yaong mga mangingisdang nagpalaot sa magdamag
Katulad ng marami pang kabiyak naroroon si Lea, naghihintay
Kilala nya ang kilos ng dagat
Kilala niya ang mga awit ng habagat
Saksi ang mga alon sa wagas ng pagsuyo
At sa tuwing pagdating ng sinta
Panglaw sa puso’y dagling naglalaho
Wala mang katiyakan, muling pagsasama
Natutunan na niyang mahalin ang pangamba
Natutunan na niyang mahalin ang paghihintay
Wala mang katiyakan, Naroroon si Lea, naghihintay
May ningning pa ang mag bituin
Nagbanong na siya’t handa nang salubungin
Ang mahal na asawang lagi’t laging lumilisan
Ang tubig sa kanyang mga mata
Maaring luha ng tuwa o pagdurusa
Wala mang katiyakan…
Ladies of Light; Ladies Of Darkness,
Ladies of Never-You-Mind,
This is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl.
First, may you Ladies be kind.
Keep her from spindles and sleeps at sixteen;
Let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three; or bad husbands at thirty;
These will not trouble her eyes.
Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen;
Let her have brave days and truth.
Let her go places that we’ve never been;
Trust and delight in her youth.
Ladies of Grace, and Ladies of Favour,
And Ladies of Merciful Night,
This is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Grant her your Clearness of Sight.
Words can be worrisome, people complex;
Motives and manners unclear. Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right,
Free from unkindness and fear.
Let her tell stories, and dance in the rain,
Somersaults, tumble and run; Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep,
Let her grow like a weed in the sun.
Ladies of Paradox, Ladies of Measure,
Ladies of Shadows-That-Fall;
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Words written clear on a Wall.
Help her to help herself, help her to stand,
Help her to lose, and to find.
Teach her we’re only as big as our dreams,
show her that fortune is blind.
Truth is a thing she must find for herself,
precious, and rare as a pearl;
Give her all these, and a little bit more,
Gifts for a Blueberry Girl.
Summer is over, and so is half of 2009. Time flies indeed! And there are just so many things to look forward to for the rest of the year. So my song for the moment comes from the play The Fantasticks, which I will watch (by hook or by crook) this July:
Beyond that road lies a shining world
Beyond that road lies despair
Beyond that road lies a world that’s gleaming
People who are scheming…
Beauty, hunger, glory, sorrow, never a pain or care
But I’m liable to find a couple of surprises there…
There’s a song I must sing, it’s a well known song,
But the tune is bitter
And it doesn’t take long to learn, I can learn!
Pretty little world that beams so bright
That pretty little world that seems delightful cambered
Let me learn…Let me learn…
For I can see it, shining somewhere
Bright lights somewhere invite me to compare and learn
And I’m ready, I can hear it silent singing
Inside my ear, I hear them all singing of love! Who knows maybe all the visions that I see
May be waiting just for me to say
Take me there and make me see it, make me feel it
I know it so, I know that it really may be…
Let me learn!
I only like rainy days when I’m in bed, buried underneath half a dozen pillows and asleep. Melancholy, I am definitely not. So the past three days should have seen me grumpy and lethargic, but…
I’m happy.
Simply because.
And it helped that:
… despite the horrendous weather yesterday, I’m 3/4ths done with my enrollment. I only have 3 units this semester, yehey!
… I had impromptu dinner dates and overnighters with hard to pin down friends.
… I was home for the pre-celebration of my Lola’s 85th birthday.
… I have my beige heels back and saw a Bibang in the bargain.
… I have learned the value of restraint… especially when it comes to food, hehe.
… I really didn’t have to brave the rains because hatid-sundo ako.
… words of encouragement come my way all the time.
… and that rain or shine, there you are.
Right now, my brain is echoing Ate Dot singing this song on a mountaintop in Cebu, six years ago:
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies
I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come
Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me
