“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

 Another month gone so fast. The story of my life the past year: time flying past and me chasing hard after it with a broken butterfly net. Don’t ask me why, that’s just the image that came to my mind as I write this. Given my current state of bewilderment, here come the inevitable lists:

What I have learned in 31 days:
1. I need to focus. Multitasking is now a no-no for me. I have spread myself too thinly the past year, that is why I need to decide which thing to prioritize. And ONLY ONE (emphasis to self).

2. Feelings are deceptive. So I must not trust my heart.; it’s gotten me into enough trouble already.

3. Rationalization can only get me so far. One day, I have to summon enough faith and courage to just go ahead and jump into the unknown.

4. Friends are for keeps. Even when they leave or are left behind.

5. Birds of a feather are the same bird flock together.  More specifically, you attract people like yourself. On a more utiliarian note, stay close to people you want to be like… for inspiration.

6. Quitting is not synonymous with failure. Some things I have to be let go off so I can focus on what’s important. But I have to finish what I started before I can move on.

7. Mental resolve is needed for happiness. I choose to be happy. No matter what. Caveat: the effect of positive thinking is limited.

8. Ministry is the outpouring of a grateful heart. And no one is indispensable to Kingdom work.

9. Determining your calling is tricky. It does not always mean doing what I’m best at, or what I enjoy. It is definitely not conforming to people’s expectations, social norms or public approval. It is sometimes easy and often difficult. It may mean deciding which of two or more choices, all good, is the best thing to do. Calling changes with time, since people and their contexts change. One thing I’m sure about: once I know it, I’ll have peace.

10. And I also now know one of the “who’s” I want to be when I grow up. =)

Questions that I have not yet figured out the answer to:
1. Go or stay?
2. Either or both?
3. When?
4. Which one? (again, ONLY ONE!)
5. Where do I begin?

And my song for February:

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I’m your friend
You are my desireNo one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You’re all I want
You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want
Help me know you are near

What’s happening on the 14th? Just the usual for me. A Thursday EDL class, enjoying the “provincial” feel of Diliman, and packing for a school immersion trip in Zambales the next day. Happy thought, I’m on leave on the 14th. That week is also when people will converge on the UP Fair, and the day after that my youngest brother will be 18 years old.

Oh yeah! The 14th is that holiday-that-must-not-be-named for singles like me.

So how does it feel to be a dateless wonder again? Hmm. Am I supposed to feel deprived? I don’t miss what I never had for the past quarter century. But hey, at least I got something to anticipate. =)
Disclaimer: I’m not in love. Not yet. I just wish I can write songs too. About love or otherwise. Attempted to write poetry and songs in highschool but they sound  forced, cheesy, and artificial. So I’ll just blog about them. Here is another song I heard while commuting.

Love Song
by Sara Borealis

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder even I know that

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see
If I’m happy in your hands
I’m unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today
Today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

Promise me you’ll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight my guide gone
‘Cause I believe there’s a way you can love me because I say

I won’t write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there’s a reason to
Write you a love song today
Today

Thursday 2:00pm: I am cramming another paper due 5:30pm. I have not written anything really technical the past couple of years, and it shows. Approaching the 24 hour sleepless mark and only a blank Word document to show for it. Plus flourescent green stabilo marks on my hands and a much abused hand-out. Sorely tempted to cut class and sleep…the bed is just inches from the computer.  In the middle of wallowing in Grice’s maxims and the intricacies of non-Face Threatening Acts, other thougts keep popping into my head.
 
What thoughts? Gaaaah. I’ve alread used up my weekly quota of words into free rice and  school stuff already.

Aha! A song heard earlier in the bus plays in my head…and seems to echo my pesky, hard to pin down musings:

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind (no to both)
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed (yeah!)
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby (definitely)

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober (the effect of sleeplessness is like consuming alcohol)
I’m young and I’m underpaid (not anymore)
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah (sigh)
I care but I’m worthless 
I’m here but I’m really gone (mentally absent)
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette (holding a coffee cup)

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet (who has?)
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused (i wish…)
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m shy but I’m friendly baby (haha! i’m never shy)
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby (of course)

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano (frustration)

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab… (i want to go home…)

When words are not enough, use song lyrics.

And I really have abandon my tendency to work hard and instead learn how to work smart. I got this in response to a text whining about my lack of slumber:

“It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep..” Psalm 127:2 NASB

Want to dispel boredom and exercise your vocabulary? Want to know how it feels like to be a walking dictionary or thesaurus?Go here.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep

When I was in elementary, my English teacher encouraged me to compete in an impromptu speaking competition. Everyday for a month, she would start the class with my training. I would pick a random topic from a bowl, ranging from the Spratly Islands to the Ebola virus. After 5 minutes of dredging my memory and organizing my ideas, I would then talks about it for exactly 3 minutes in front of the class. My teacher and classmates would then give constructive criticism on my speech. They rarely challenged me on the content, However, my delivery. That month, I learned that I talked too fast, that I kept on scratching my nose, punctuated my sentences with ums and ahs, my hands were unsteady at best, and that my voice is very squeaky. This experience certainly made me, if not a spectacular speaker, then one with a disabled sense of embarassment.

Now, I just tend to say whatever comes to my head. An idea pops into my brain and instantly it has been made public by my uncontrollable mouth. It has led to several nasty cases of FMD (Foot-in-Mouth Disease) and a reputation for tactlessness. Of course, my loquacity only applies to informal speech. Due to lack of practice, my public speaking skills have degenerated into a stuttering mess. If you don’t use it, you lose it.

Aside from reminscing about my abused elementary days, what is this post for? To bemoan the injustice of two masteral papers and a class report all given with just a week of preparation time. Right at the same weekend that I was supposed to fix my new room, hibernate to recover a week’s worth of lost sleep, and a major family event.

I would have preferred to do a graded recitation than those papers. My relationship with technical writing is a love-hate-rollercoaster ride. Doomed if I do, doomed if I don’t. It took me three days to incubate the idea for a three page paper, and three frantic hours to get everything down on paper. In short, I only had  three measky hours of sleep yesterday.

Two down, one more to go. Fun, cramming is not. But necessary.

Enough of the angst. Here is my happy list. Inspired by the commercial and a blog by the Simple Dollar, I listed down the things which make me happy and are free. Or at least, with a negligible price tag.

1. long talks with friends
2. reading borrowed or library books
3. hugs
4. walking along the edges of the Sunken Garden with a breeze ruffling my hair and the setting sun making everything around me glow
5. sleeping for 12 hours straight
6. sleeping at night
7. a sincere compliment
8.  word of appreciation for a job well done
9. really quiet Quiet Times
10. the sound of kuliglig in the provinces
11. watching a sunset, sunrise, or the stars
12. catching a glimpse of fireflies
13. getting a text message or a call from an old friend
14. the smell of freshly brewed coffee
15. snuggling into freshly laundered and sun-dried bedsheets
16. when I get off the elevator at work, that blast of natural cold air at 6am in Febuary
17. getting a sale, preview or decent completed call
18. walang pasok! (no classes)
19. hearing them sing or play musical instruments
20. singing with the choir
21. a cold shower after a hot, humid summer day
22. walking along the beach and letting the waves wash sand off my feet
23. napping in a hammock on our roof top
24. being prayed for
25. answered prayers
26. having a great hair day
27. free meals (especially Dennis’s pasta)
28. playing touch ball on a grassy place
29. teaching English and having my student go “aha!”
30. break time with officemates
31. changing into rubber slippers after wearing closed high heels
32. power naps under my desk
33. my brother’s laughter when I sing his favorite commercial
34. joining in a lively and humorous discussion
34. free back or foot massage
35. writing in my journal and reading past entries
And more!

So…Joni, Rhiza, Carmi, Chuza, Normi etc… your turn. =)

Tomorrow, I will be busy with what I do best: uprooting myself and my meager bundle of belongings into a new “home” in Quezon City, near UP. SInce I am an NPA (no permanent address), home is where I spend the most time sleeping. That is now a solo room just big enough to fit a bed, a cabinet, my computer table, and a bookshelf. Walk three steps in any direction and you’ll hit a wall, a piece of furniture, or the door. Home sweet home.

Hasta la vista! With this one last July and another one by end of January, KC 2K3 reunions bookend my stay in the Makati condo.

The other day, I procastinated my weekend away. Talked on the phone for 1 hour, slept for 2, sang with the Vesper Choir for 3, read a pocketbook that was supposed to be for a class requirement which did not push through for 4, and spent another 5 hours for a play that was nothing spectacular, and spent the total of those hours asleep.
 
Today, I am writing a blog, calculating the days and counting the cost. I will also go to sleep then go to class and sleep again. I relaize that comparing myself with others is a sure way to get depressed and discontented. And try not to think too much, it hurts already.

Yesterday, I did the laundry, discovered an alternate but longer route to school, and went to class. And late in the afternoon, I was blindsided by an invitation. While I have been evading it for 3 years, recent events have given me a change of heart. For the first time, I am seriously thinking about accepting. My heart says yes but my mind is filled with questions, hesitation, and a sense of inadequacy. Drastic changes are good, since they lessen my  pride and self-dependency a lot. I now have 3 months to think, pray, and consider.

One my friends is silently laughing right now at my dilemma; another just gave me a hug from Canada. On my part, in an earlier post I wrote that I was scared about 2008. To my surprise, that fear is being replaced with excitement.

 I do not want to decide this time; I want to obey.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1Cor2:9

I just enjoyed five platefuls of spicy caldereta, chopsuey, rice and chicken lollipops in our team’s victory lunch. Now, I am a nursing a very full stomach and massaging a sore jaw. Which reminds me…

 

 

 

This x-ray of an unknown person’s teeth is from the Internet.

Unfortunately, it bears a good resemblance to my actual lower jaw. The last lower right and the last lower left tooth in my mandible are impacted. As defined in Wikipedia:

Wisdom teeth are third molars that usually appear between the ages of 16 and 24. They are commonly extracted when they affect other teeth—this impaction is colloquially known as “coming in sideways.”

Last January 2006, I chronicled my painful adieu to my right lower wisdom tooth in my old blog (see My First Tooth Extraction). But wait, there is another one still waiting to be extracted. Why go through the whole bloody process again?

A wisdom tooth is extracted to correct an actual problem or to prevent problems that may come up in the future. Wisdom teeth are extracted for two general reasons: either the wisdom teeth have already become impacted, or the wisdom teeth could potentially become problematic if not extracted. Potential problems caused by the presence of properly grown-in wisdom teeth include infections caused by food particles easily trapped in the jaw area behind the wisdom teeth where regular brushing and flossing is difficult and ineffective. Such infections may be frequent, and cause considerable pain and medical danger. Another reason to have a wisdom tooth removed is if the tooth has grown in improperly, causing the tongue to brush up against it. The tongue can tolerate it for a limited time, until it causes a painful sensation, to the point where the sheer pain can numb the tongue affected, and the area around it (part of the lips, and the cheek). The numbness feels similar to the feeling of anesthesia, possibly meaning a nerve can be affected by the wisdom tooth improperly growing in. Also, it is a wise choice to have them removed if undergoing extensive orthodontic work because once the teeth have come in they could inflict some damage on expensive straightening.

I thought that my remaining left wisdom tooth is taking its excruciatingly sweet time to erupt fully. I only notice it every other month, when the left side of my jaw begins to throb and my mandible clicks audibly when moved sideways. Actually, I still have a faint hope that it is just an ordinary tooth, but one year is too long for a normal one to come out. So I am now gathering my courage and thousands in cash for another tooth extraction.

*turns pale*

 I hope it just sublimates, evaporates, vanishes, disappears, *poof* from my jaw.

Go away, tooth. Shoo.  

 The Lantern Parade 2007 - UP Diliman Style  I spent my undergraduate years in the UP Manila-PGH campus and was pretty much content with our version of the Lantern Parade. As I remember, each college would make a lantern that would follow an annual theme or would best show their field of expertise. The parade went through the PGH compound, a couple of blocks along Padre Faura St. and Pedro Gil St., then back to the hospital’s front parking lot for a program. I never ventured to our sister campus in Quezon City for their version, and after my sophomore year I stopped attending the Lantern Parade in UP Manila altogether. For the first time last December 19, I was able to witness this UP tradition, the Diliman way. This experience made me realize that the Lantern Parade is not just a school activity, but a cultural event. It showed the UP community’s way of life in a very striking way, particularly the University’s history, values and beliefs, its art and literature, and the symbols the UP cultures uses to communicate culture.   For example, the “sculpture” finale of the College of Fine Arts featured the University mascot: a parrot. While it may seem a funny symbol for the country’s top university compared to other school mascots, students affirmed the UP parrot with pride.  Some of the lanterns symbolized the history and vision of the colleges that created them. A vivid example was the higantes of SOLAIR, which represent the 5 stakeholders of the college. In addition, the workmanship and well-researched concepts of most of the lanterns showed how the students valued excellence. The parade also lauded the UP PEP Squad, which had brought honor to the University in recent competitions. For students with demanding academic requirements, the Lantern Parade was also a rare opportunity to show school spirit and their pride in being an Iskolar ng Bayan.

Freedom of expression is also a distinct cultural value and practice in the University. While some of the presentations could be classified as art for arts’ sake, several were a form of social commentary. For example, an organization displayed “Oust Gloria” banners, while their companions hoisted 100 placards about 100 campus issues. Meanwhile, a National Artist made a thought-provoking statement about our national situation as he rode a horse-drawn carriage – with the cart in front of the animal.  It was an outlet for humor as well, as illustrated by a naughty Oblation mascot and the subtle school bashing in the finale.

Meanwhile, the Lantern Parade emphasized UP’s multiculturalism; it is a melting pot of students and faculty from all over the Philippines, I could see how the University accepts diversity and encourages non-conformists in its population. This was shown by the members of Babaylan in their flamboyant butterfly costumes, the Ifugao group with their ethnic dances and costume, and so on. I also noticed that there were a lot of Koreans, Chinese, Americans, and other nationalities present either as participants and spectators; a dash of foreign spice to an already interesting mix. 

That Wednesday afternoon, my first thought was, “Where are the lanterns?” What I saw were not the typical brightly lighted, Christmas-inspired creations that hail from Pampanga. Instead, what met my eyes was a flood of color and movement: huge mascots of storybook characters and famous artists, miniatures of the ikot jeepney, living paintings, dancing monuments, and the ever present rally placards. Competing for attention were the marching bands, gyrating pep squad members, pennant-waving students, yelling activists and the cheering spectators. Most of the colleges represented played their own back-up music ranging from the oft-repeated Papaya tune, recorded folk music, and Christmas carols performed by live musicians. Scattered food stalls and souvenir shops and fireworks at the end of the program heightened the festive atmosphere of the parade.

I thoroughly enjoyed my first UP Diliman Lantern Parade since it was not only a feast for the senses, but gave me a lot of food for thought as well. I have already marked December 2008 on my calendar; the Centennial Lantern Parade is something I definitely would not want to miss.

I think I’ve forgotten how to write a reaction paper… this sounds so highschool-ish. And I wrote it for a grad school class. Ick. My only excuse is sleep deprivation. Also, the photo here is for aesthetic purposes only. Check out real UP Diliman Lantern Parade 2007 pictures here.

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